I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
