you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
