Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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