it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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