Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
