My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Sex in the backyard? Check.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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