Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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