totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
