I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
