I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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