omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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