I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
