Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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