I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
