I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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