if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
