You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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