I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
