Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
