I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
