so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
