I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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