Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
