my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
