I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
