life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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