I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
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Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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