oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
