he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
