i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
