Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
