Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
