My friends, they love my intelligence
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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