I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
