My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
