Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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