I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
