my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
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Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
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Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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