I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
