She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
