someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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