My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
