i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
