I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
