new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
