Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
