You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
