On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
