How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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