Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The adults are the big ones right?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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