I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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