You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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