I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
